The Hidden Heart

It all started when I was six years old. While I was playing outside on my farm in California, I met a boy. He was an average kind of boy who teased you and then you chased him and beat him up. After that first meeting at which I beat him up, we kept on meeting and beating each other up at the fence. That only lasted for a little while, though. We would meet at the fence all the time and I would tell him all my secrets. He was very quiet, he would just listen to what I had to say. I found him easy to talk to and I could talk to him about everything.

In school, we had separate friends but when we got home we would always talk about what happened in school. One day, I said to him that a guy I liked hurt me and broke my heart. He just comforted me and said everything would be okay. He gave me words of encouragement and helped me get over him. I was happy and thought of him as a real friend. But I knew that there was something else about him that I liked. I thought of it that night and figured it was just a friend kinda thing that I was feeling.

All through high school we were always together and, of course, I thought that we were just friends. But I knew deep inside that I really felt differently. On graduation night, even though we had different dates to the prom, I wanted to be with him. That night, after everybody went home, I went to his house and told him that I wanted to talk to him. Well, that night was my big chance and all I did was just sit there with him, watching the stars and talking about what I was going to do and what he was going to do.

I went home hurting because I didn't tell him how I felt. I wanted to tell him so bad that I loved him but I was too scared and frightened. I let my feelings go and told myself that, someday, I would tell him just how I felt. All through college I wanted to tell him but he always had someone with him. After graduation he got a job in New York; I was happy for him, but at the same time, I was sad to see him go. I cried as I hugged him for what I felt was going to be the last time. I went home that night and cried my eyes out. I felt hurt that I didn't tell him what I had inside my heart.

Well, I got a job as a secretary and then worked my way up to become a computer analyst. I was proud of what I had accomplished. One day, I received a letter with an invitation to a wedding. It was from him. I was happy and sad at the same time. Now I knew that I could never be with him and that we could only be friends. I went to the wedding the next month and I fell in love one more time. But I held back so it wouldn't spoil what should be the happiest day in his life. I tried to have fun that night but it was killing me inside watching him being so happy while I was covering up my sadness. I came home and just tried to forget him. I had to go on with my life.

As the years went by, we wrote to each other about what was going on and how we missed talking to each other. Then suddenly, he stopped writing. After six letters had gone unreplied, when everything seemed hopeless and sad in my life, I got a note that said: "Meet me at the fence where we used to talk about things." I went and saw him there. I was happy to see him, but he was broken-hearted and sad. We hugged until we couldn't breathe. Then he told me about the divorce and why he hadn't written for a long time. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore. Finally, we went back to the house and talked and laughed about what I had been doing and catching up on old times. But I still couldn't tell him how I felt about him.

In the days that followed, he had fun and forgot about all his problems and his divorce. I fell in love again with him. When it came time for him to go back to New York, I went to see him off and cried. I hated to see him leave. He promised to see me every time he could get a vacation. I couldn't wait for him to come so I could be with him We would always have fun when we were together.

Then, one day, he didn't show up like he said he would. I figured that he was busy. The days turned into months and then, just as I was giving up on him, I received a call from a lawyer. The lawyer said that he had died in a car accident going to the airport. And that it took this long till everything was settled. My heart was broken.

I cried that night, tears of sadness and heartache. I went to New York for the reading of his will. Of course, things were given to his family and his ex-wife. I finally got to meet her again after the wedding. She explained to me how he had always provided but that he was always unhappy. She tried everything but she couldn't make him happy.

When the will was read, the one thing that was given to me was a diary.

It was a diary of his life. I cried as it was given to me. I didn't know what to think. Why was this given to me? I took it and flew back to California. As I sat in the plane, I remembered the good times we had together. I started reading the diary. It had been started the day we first met. The diary said he had fallen in love with me that day. But he was too afraid to tell me what he felt. That is why he was so quiet and liked to listen to me. It told of how he wanted to tell me so many times, but was too afraid to say anything. It told of when he went to New York and thought he fell in love with another. But then, it told of how the happiest time he had was seeing me and dancing with me at the wedding. He said he imagined it was our wedding. How he was always unhappy till he had no choice but to divorce his wife. How the best thing in his life was to read my letters to him. Finally, the diary ended with these words: "Today, I will tell her I love her." It was the day he was killed. The day I was going to finally find out what was really in his heart.

Contributed to The Star by Danny Leong