Regrets of the Dying

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have done unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a while new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose widely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

From my email today.
Actual source is unknown.

Life is like a piano

I can't help but to share this. Just saw it from my facebook.


Today, when I was at the hospital I received this message from a great friend... And I would like to share it with you here... "Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the blacks show sadness. Only when you play the white and black together, you can hear the music of LIFE." -Ali Ghayedi-

Police Jokes

True Funny Police Story

A bank robber in Virginia Beach Virginia, USA got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his trousers.

The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.

A police spokesman informed us, 'He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants.'

Police have the man's charred trousers safely in custody.

==============================================================
Ten Bungling Burglar Stories

1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'

2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him to the him and called the police.

4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a "Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn't invent these funny occurrences.

10.A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE   : Can I buy you a drink?

SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money..

HE   : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE   : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE   : How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE : I must've been given your share..

HE   : Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE   : Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE   : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE : Okay, get out.

HE   : I think I could make you very happy.

SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE   : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE   : Can I have your name?

SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE   : Shall we go see a movie?

SHE : I've already seen it.

HE   : Where have you been all my life?

SHE : Hiding from you.

HE   : Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE   : Is this seat empty?

SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE   : So, what do you do for a living?

SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE   : Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE : Do not enter.

HE   : Your body is like a temple.

SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE   : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

from my email today

Law and Disorder (Part 2)

Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer's transcripts of real court cases.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Fowler
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name?
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbotham's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Will & Guy's Joke of the Day #157

Serious Monkey Business

A Woman Trains Unlikely Soldiers in a War of Independence

In 1977, Mary Joan Willard was making her daily rounds at the Tufts New England Medical Center in Boston. Her work, as part of her fellowship, was to study patients with severe physical injury in rehabilitation. It was there she met a twenty-three-year-old man named Joe.

A car accident had left Joe paralyzed from the neck down. Once active and robust, he now sat helplessly all day in a wheel-chair He couldn't slip a tape into a VCR, fix himself a sandwich, or even lift a finger to scratch a maddening itch. Like more than 100,000 other quadriplegics in the United States, Joe was completely dependent, even for his simplest and most personal needs.

It was this realization that deeply distressed Mary Joan. A woman with enormous self-initiative, she could only imagine how it felt to be trapped by total, permanent dependence. As a psychologist, she knew the emotional cost. Quadriplegics often give up on life, their spirits as paralyzed as their bodies. Mary Joan was convinced that if Joe could achieve some independence, his spirits might again soar.

Lying in bed one evening, a thought came to her-chimpanzees. Why couldn't chimps be trained to do many of the daily tasks to help someone in Joe's position?

The next day Mary Joan visited B. F. Skinner, the Harvard psychologist whose pioneering work with animals and behavior modification had made him world-famous. Mary Joan had worked as Skinner's assistant for three years and she hoped he wouldn't think her idea was crazy.

He didn't. In fact, he thought the idea had merit, but he did offer some caution. Chimps, he reminded her, become much stronger than and grow almost as big as humans. Chimps also have cranky temperaments. He suggested using capuchins instead, the little "organ grinder" monkeys that are intelligent, easy to train, and loyal to their masters. Bingo! Mary Joan was sold.

Nest, Mary Joan set out to sell others. After extensive research, she presented her idea to the director of her psychology program at Tufts University. The director almost fell out of his chair laughing. He could just see the headline: "Tufts Medical School Trains Monkeys to Take Care of Patients." Mary Joan wasn't amused and continued with her persuasive argument. Eventually she convinced him the idea was sound and he helped her get a $2,000 grant. This grant was the beginning of an organization called Helping Hands. It was not an auspicious start, but the money was enough to buy four monkeys and some cages and to hire student trainers for a dollar an hour.

Mary Joan's research indicated it would take about eight weeks to train the monkeys. Eight weeks passed and she was still trying to get them out of their cages. The first capuchins, acquired as adults, were former laboratory monkeys and were raised in isolation. Consequently, they were terrified of humans. It took two years of trial and error before Mary Joan had the first monkey ready to being work.

Despite the frustrating delays, Mary Joan and her new partner, Judi Zazula, worked tirelessly to raise needed funding. Thirty-eight grant proposals resulted in thirty-eight rejections. They were back at square one with Mary Joan working part-time as a psychologist to pay the bills.

Numerous agencies involved with severely disabled persons were interested in her idea, but all were skeptical. Some protested that it was demeaning to quadriplegics to use monkeys as helpers.

"Are Seeing Eye dogs demeaning to the blind?" she responded. Others suggested a mechanical robot would better suit the purpose.

"Can robots sit on your lap and put their arms around you?" she asked.

Other challenges facing Mary Joan and Judi involved training the monkeys to stay out of certain rooms and not get their mischievous little hands into everything. Mary Joan recalled sitting with Judi holding the latest proposal rejection on her lap and watching Hellion, their capuchin-in-training, destroy the place. She said, "Look at this place! To think they almost funded us!" and they both started laughing hysterically.

Mary Joan's patience, determination, and unwavering sense of purpose finally won out. After two years, Hellion, the first trained monkey, was ready to meet a twenty-five-year-old quadriplegic named Robert, who was alone nine hours a day. Hellion could scratch Roberts's itchy nose with a face cloth and put a tape in the VCR. She cold gently brush his hair, turn the lights on and off, put pre-packaged food in the microwave, and even bring Robert a cold drink from the refrigerator. Most important of all, Hellion could pick up Robert's mouth stick, the primary tool a quadriplegic uses for endless tasks, including dialing a telephone, starting a microwave, and turning the pages of a book. Furthermore, Hellion was a devoted companion who entertained Robert and offered unconditional affection.

So successful was the Hellion-Robert team that Mary Joan received her first major grant in 1979 from the Paralyzed Veterans of America. The grant allowed her and Judi to take small salaries, purchase needed equipment, and acquire a few young monkeys for training.

It wasn't long before requests for monkeys came from quadriplegics all across the country. Now the challenge was to find a safe, reliable source of trainable monkeys. Mary Joan and Judi could not continue to use laboratory animals or capuchins caught in the wild; they needed a breeding colony.

Help came from a company that is the symbol of dreams come true-Disney. Disney World in Florida responded to Mary Joan's request and established a capuchin breeding colony on its Discovery Island, supplying Mary Joan's organization with almost all the little "helping hands" it needed. After five years, Disney World needed the space for expansion and provided the funding to move the breeding colony to a Boson zoo.

When they are six to eight weeks old, the monkeys are taken from the colony and placed in volunteer "foster homes." For the next three to five years, they learn basic skills and become comfortable living closely with humans. By the time the monkeys come to Helping Hands, they are housebroken and "cage trained" and have learned upon command to go to their "rooms" and close the door behind them. In the final twelve months of training, the capuchins learn specific skills used in working with quadriplegics, such as combing hair and handling a mouth stick.

This process may seem slow to some, but not to a visionary like Mary Joan Willard. She quickly reminds skeptics that the idea of guide dogs for the blind was debated for a hundred years before the Seeing Eye Program actually began.

By 1997, about 160 capuchins were living in the homes of volunteer families. Thirty-five quadriplegics have received their monkey helpers. Joe, who was Mary Joan's initial inspiration, regained a fair level of motion in his right arm and did not need the help of a monkey. Hundreds of other quadriplegics are not so fortunate and are still patiently waiting for the day when one of Helping Hand's remarkable little monkeys will return to them what they thought they'd lost forever – a little independence, a special form of companionship, and a little joy.

"We both felt that if we did not see this through to the end, no one else would be crazy enough to do it. To give up would have been a disservice to quadriplegics and to ourselves."
-Mary Jan Willard-

Excerpted/Adapted from Unstoppable
Cynthia Kersey

This came through to my email on 2nd September 2010