Children and Their Ideas

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." she was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

---

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

---

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

---

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?".
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room".
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".

---

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.".

---

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!".
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy".
"I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

---

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

---

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ".
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?".
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!".
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Taken from the website:

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/AEpjEo/www.btinternet.com/~knutty.knights/adult_children.html/

:: Ash Greig’s 10 Steps to Becoming a Responsible Adult ::

With each passing day, we grow one day older. We grow one day wiser. We become better people, able to handle situations that we thought we wouldn't be able to handle. We become adults. One must remember that with adulthood, comes responsibility.

Through experience, I've learned a lot when it comes to handling responsibility - I think my parents did a good job in that department. My mum introduced me to the topic of the birds and the bees when I was 10, and told me how things might go spiraling out of control if I wasn't responsible. She taught me how to cook, iron and clean by the time I was 12. She taught me how to be independent by the time I was 13, so that if anything were to happen to her, I'd be able to survive on my own. She taught me organizational and management skills when I was 15, so that I wouldn't have a problem in my educational and career development in the future.

With (almost) 26 years behind me, I've come to understand how one's life changes with each passing day. We all make mistakes once in a while. The important thing is that you learn from your mistakes and become a better person after that. You’re not 10 anymore – stop acting like one. It’s time to grow some balls (regardless of your sex) and take full responsibility for all your actions.

So here you are, my 10 Steps to Becoming a Responsible Adult.

Step 1: Stop blaming others for your mistakes. So you listened to her advice and went ahead and bought that RM1500 silk skirt. Or he managed to get you to spend 3 months worth of your salary on Apple’s latest uber-cool gadget. You’re the one who decided to get it in the end, so don’t you dare point your finger at him/her and wail “It’s all your fault!” because it isn’t. :)

Step 2: When we’re given a task to handle, accept it and make sure you do what you must. If your lecturer gives you an assignment to finish, get it done by the due date, and not come up with excuses for your incompetency. If your boss allocates a task to you, sort it out before he/she sends you reminders about 5 times before you decide to get your lazy behind moving. :)

Step 3: Sometimes we go a little off-tangent when it comes to choosing our significant others. He slaps or hits you whenever he’s mad. She spends your month’s salary in half an hour just because you forgot to call her last night. Why are you still with that selfish waste bag? You don’t need bruises on your arms or a dried-up bank account to know that he/she isn’t the one for you. :)

Step 4: Quit acting as though you’re the one with the world’s biggest problems. Yes, we all have our issues, we all have our worries. That doesn’t mean you should go on and on and on about it, complaining and wailing to every listening ear. There are people who’re going through a lot worse out there – people who don’t know if they’ll be alive the next day because they don’t have anything to eat or a roof above their head. :)

Step 5: If you’re not happy with someone, or you have a problem with the way he/she tackles an issue, tell it to their face. Going behind the person’s back and gossip-mongering isn’t going to solve anything. If you feel you have ideas that could bring about better outcomes, talk about it in the open. :)

Step 6: You cannot depend on your parents to help you out forever. So you got a little carried away and decided to get a couple of credit cards to buy that awesome sound system and leather sofa set. Now when you can’t afford to pay back your dues to the bank, you call up your parents and make them help you out. You got yourself into the ditch, you climb your way back out like a man. :)

Step 7: If you’re not happy with your job, do something about it. Badmouthing your boss or spreading rumours about your colleagues isn’t going to be the key to your happiness. Not turning up for work and coming up with excuses doesn’t reflect well on you either. Leave the job, or make some changes in your attitude. :)

Step 8: Your mother did not give birth to you to be a doormat for everyone else around you. He tells you to go buy him some weed, you run. She tells you to finish her homework for her, you do it without a flinch. Your boss tells you to “show some skin” during dinner with a client, you do it with a smile. Grow a backbone and learn how to say NO! You have to live by your principles, or else you’d have people labeling you as “easy” or “spineless”. :)

Step 9: Before you judge others around you, grab a mirror and look at your own reflection first. You think you’re so perfect? Yes, she may be fat and not attractive. He may be intelligent but hasn’t many friends. But you, o proud one, has the heart of rotten eggs and the mind of an evil witch. Being an adult means accepting everyone’s flaw, even your own, and moving on from there. :)

Step 10: Learn to accept the points of view of others around you. We’re all human beings and we have one thing in common: we’re all different in our own unique way. We may agree on some things, we may not on others. Stop being childish and stomping your feet screaming “I’m right! You’re wrong! I’m the smart one, you’re all stupid!” – it only makes one look like a fool in the end. Tolerance is the key here. :)

By Ashley Greig
taken from Ash Greig’s 10 Steps to Becoming a Responsible Adult

Female dictionary

Nothing, forget it = You better figure out what you did wrong

Are you tired? = Please don't go to sleep, I love talking to you

I'm OK = Hold me tight, I need a shoulder to cry on

I don't give a fuck anymore = I still care. But I'm tired of arguing with you

I'm cold = get a blanket and cuddle with me

Leave me alone = Please don't go

I love you = Tell me you do more

Lesson in Life

A wise man sat in the audience and cracked a joke. Everybody laughs like crazy. After a moment, he cracked the same joke again. This time, less people laughed. He cracked the same joke again and again. When there is no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said: You can't laugh at the same joke again and again, but why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?

Quotes 1

1. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I'd love to punch in the face.
2. How about you get to know me before you judge me. 
3. I don't regret my past, I just regret the time I wasted with the wrong people.
4. Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have internet connection.
5. The best way to make somebody remember you, borrow money from them.
6. Life doesn't get easier, you just get stronger.
7. Treat people as you would like to be treated. Karma's only a bitch if you are.
8. The greatest challenge in life it to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences and mistakes and yet still sees the best in you.
9. I'm so busy doing nothing that I can't do anything else.
10. While we try to teach our Children all about Life... Our Children teach us what Life is about.
11. In life, we do things, some we wish we had never done, some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are, and in the end, they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live. Make mistakes, have wonderful memories, but never ever second guess who you are, where you have been, and most importantly where it is you're going.
12. A man's biggest mistake is giving another man an opportunity to make his woman smile.
13. Falling in love is like jumping off a really tall building, your brain tells you it is not a good idea, but your heart tells you, you can fly.
14. Don't trust too much, don't hope too much, and don't love too much. Because that TOO MUCH can hurt you SO MUCH.
15. I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go.
16. Love is patient, Love is kind... It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.
17. A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
18. Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, you know they are always there.
19. Smile... it will either warm their heart or piss them off... either way you win.
20. Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up every day to impress you.
21. You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.
22. There's a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's NOT giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring to your life.
23. Smile in the morning. People will wonder what you did last night.
24. Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US ...
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!'

Moral of the story 
Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2

If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl, than a millionaire..........

Got this from my email recently

A Chat with Jesus Christ

Jesus: Hello. Did you call me?

Man: Called you? No. Who is this?

Jesus: This is Jesus. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.

Man: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

Jesus: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.

Man: Don’t know. But I can’t find free time. Life has become hectic. It’s rush hour all the time.

Jesus: Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.

Man: I understand. But I still can’t figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.

Jesus: Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Man: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

Jesus: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Man: why are we then constantly unhappy?

Jesus: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That’s why you are not happy.

Man: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

Jesus: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Man: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty.

Jesus: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Man: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

Jesus: Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don’t suffer. With that experience their life become better not bitter.

Man: You mean to say such experience is useful?

Jesus: Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Man: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can’t we be free from problems?

Jesus: Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Man: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don’t know where we are heading.

Jesus: If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Man: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

Jesus: Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Man: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

Jesus: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Man: What surprises you about people?

Jesus: When they suffer they ask, “why me? When they prosper, they never ask “Why me” Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Man: Sometimes I ask, who I am, why am I here. I can’t get the answer.

Jesus: Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Man: How can I get the best out of life?

Jesus: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Man: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

Jesus: There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Man: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the day with a new sense of inspiration.

Jesus: Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don’t believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

Man: Thank you so much.

Jesus: You are always welcome. Have a good day my friend.
‎"Always remember, God's Word is the Word for YOU".
by: Aries Quismundo