Here are excerpts from a book that compiled real exchanges between witnesses and attorneys in American courts of law.
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Would you repeat the question?
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh....
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a depository notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you perform on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30pm.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Sent to Starmag by Aileen Chan
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Don't Mess With Her!
Here's a tale with a moral about li'l old ladies.
A police patrolman pulls an elderly woman motorist over for speeding and approaches her car.
Old woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Patrolman: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old woman: Oh, I see.
Patrolman: May I see your licence, please?
Old woman: I'd show it to you but I don't have one.
Patrolman: You don't have a licence?
Old woman: Nope, lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Patrolman: I see.... May I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old woman: I can't show them to you.
Patrolman: Why not?
Old woman: I stole this car.
Patrolman: Stole it?
Old woman: Yes, and I killed the owner and hacked his body to pieces.
Patrolman: You what?
Old woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see them.
The patrol cop keeps his eyes on the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, several police cars arrive and circle the old woman's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Senior officer: one of my patrolman called in to report that you had stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old woman: Murdered the owner?
Senior officer: Yes, could you open the boot of your car please?
The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior officer: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old woman: Yes ... (reaches into her handbag) here are the registration papers.
The senior officer is surprised.
Senior officer: My man also claimed the you did not possess a driving licence.
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer examines her licence and finds it perfectly in order. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior officer: Thank you, ma'am. My man reported that you didn't have a driver's licence, that you admitted stealing this car, and you confessed to murdering and hacking the owner to pieces.
Old woman: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Moral of the story - don't mess with old ladies!
Sent to Starmag by Grace Lim
A police patrolman pulls an elderly woman motorist over for speeding and approaches her car.
Old woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Patrolman: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old woman: Oh, I see.
Patrolman: May I see your licence, please?
Old woman: I'd show it to you but I don't have one.
Patrolman: You don't have a licence?
Old woman: Nope, lost it four years ago for drunk driving.
Patrolman: I see.... May I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Old woman: I can't show them to you.
Patrolman: Why not?
Old woman: I stole this car.
Patrolman: Stole it?
Old woman: Yes, and I killed the owner and hacked his body to pieces.
Patrolman: You what?
Old woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see them.
The patrol cop keeps his eyes on the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, several police cars arrive and circle the old woman's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old woman: Is there a problem, sir?
Senior officer: one of my patrolman called in to report that you had stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Old woman: Murdered the owner?
Senior officer: Yes, could you open the boot of your car please?
The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior officer: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old woman: Yes ... (reaches into her handbag) here are the registration papers.
The senior officer is surprised.
Senior officer: My man also claimed the you did not possess a driving licence.
The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer examines her licence and finds it perfectly in order. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior officer: Thank you, ma'am. My man reported that you didn't have a driver's licence, that you admitted stealing this car, and you confessed to murdering and hacking the owner to pieces.
Old woman: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Moral of the story - don't mess with old ladies!
Sent to Starmag by Grace Lim
Non-violent Power
In his lecture at the University of Puerto Rico, Dr Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi and founder of the M.K. Gandhi Institute for Non-Violence, shared the folowwing story as an example of non-violence in parenting:
I was 16 years old and living with me parents at the institute my grandfather had founded 18 miles outside Durban, South Africa, in the middle of the sugar plantations.
We were deep in the country and had no neighbours, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going to town to visit friends or go to the movies.
One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day conferencem and I jumped at the chance.
My mother gave me a list of the groceries she needed. And since I had all day in town, my father ask me to take care of several pending chores such as getting the car serviced.
When I dropped him off that morning, he said, "I will meet you here at 5pm, and we will go home together."
After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double feature that I forgot the time.
It was 5.30 before I remembered. By the time I ran to the garage and got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting, it was almost 6pm. He anxiously asked, "Why are you late?"
I was too ashamed to tell him I had been watching a western, so I said, "The car wasn't ready, so I had to wait."
What I didn't know was that he had called the garage.
My father then said: "There's something wrong with the way I brought you up. It did not give you the confidence to tell me the truth. In order to figure out there I went wrong with you, I'm going to walk home and think about it."
Thus, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk the 18 miles home in the dark, on ostly unpaved and inlit roads. I couldn't leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours, I drove behind my father, watching him go through this agony for a stupid lie that I had uttered. I decided there and then that I would never lie again.
I often think about that episode and wonder: If he had punished me the way we punished our children, would I have learned any lesson at all?
I don't think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on doing the same thing. But his single non-violent act was so powerful, it is as if it happened yesterday. That is the power of non-violence.
Taken from Starmag
I was 16 years old and living with me parents at the institute my grandfather had founded 18 miles outside Durban, South Africa, in the middle of the sugar plantations.
We were deep in the country and had no neighbours, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going to town to visit friends or go to the movies.
One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day conferencem and I jumped at the chance.
My mother gave me a list of the groceries she needed. And since I had all day in town, my father ask me to take care of several pending chores such as getting the car serviced.
When I dropped him off that morning, he said, "I will meet you here at 5pm, and we will go home together."
After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double feature that I forgot the time.
It was 5.30 before I remembered. By the time I ran to the garage and got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting, it was almost 6pm. He anxiously asked, "Why are you late?"
I was too ashamed to tell him I had been watching a western, so I said, "The car wasn't ready, so I had to wait."
What I didn't know was that he had called the garage.
My father then said: "There's something wrong with the way I brought you up. It did not give you the confidence to tell me the truth. In order to figure out there I went wrong with you, I'm going to walk home and think about it."
Thus, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk the 18 miles home in the dark, on ostly unpaved and inlit roads. I couldn't leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours, I drove behind my father, watching him go through this agony for a stupid lie that I had uttered. I decided there and then that I would never lie again.
I often think about that episode and wonder: If he had punished me the way we punished our children, would I have learned any lesson at all?
I don't think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on doing the same thing. But his single non-violent act was so powerful, it is as if it happened yesterday. That is the power of non-violence.
Taken from Starmag
The Simple View
An MBA-holder and an engineer are on a camping trip. They pitch their tent and soon, fall asleep. Some hours later, the engineer nudges his friend awake and says: "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
His companion replies: "I see millions of stars."
The engineer asks: "What does that tell you?"
The MBA-holder ponders for a minute, then replies: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and, potentially, billions of planets out there. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
"Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
"Meteorologically, it looks like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Now, tell me what do you see?"
The engineer is silent for a moment, then says: "Practically, someone has stolen our tent."
Sent to Starmag by Ismail Pheonix
His companion replies: "I see millions of stars."
The engineer asks: "What does that tell you?"
The MBA-holder ponders for a minute, then replies: "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and, potentially, billions of planets out there. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
"Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
"Meteorologically, it looks like we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Now, tell me what do you see?"
The engineer is silent for a moment, then says: "Practically, someone has stolen our tent."
Sent to Starmag by Ismail Pheonix
Divine Snapshots
A little girl walked to and from school daily. One morning, the sky looked threatening as clouds gathered. Still, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The little girl's mother worried that she would be afraid to walk home alone and that the impending storm might harm her. So she quickly drove to her child's school.
As she rounded a corner, she saw the girl walking home. But with each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. One flash followed another and each time, without a care, she looked straight at the streak of light and smiled.
As the mother pulled up beside the girl, she called out to her: "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
"I am trying to look pretty as God takes my picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way. And don't forget to SMILE!
Sent to Starmag by LY GOH
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The little girl's mother worried that she would be afraid to walk home alone and that the impending storm might harm her. So she quickly drove to her child's school.
As she rounded a corner, she saw the girl walking home. But with each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. One flash followed another and each time, without a care, she looked straight at the streak of light and smiled.
As the mother pulled up beside the girl, she called out to her: "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
"I am trying to look pretty as God takes my picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way. And don't forget to SMILE!
Sent to Starmag by LY GOH
The Carpenter
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms came into conflict. It was their first serious rift after 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labour and goods.
It all started with a small misunderstanding which it grew into a major difference, which finally exploded into a bitter exchange of words. This was followed by weeks of silence.
One morning, there was a knock on the door of John, the older sibling. He opened it to find a man standing there with a carpenter's tool box.
"I'm looking for a few days' work" the man said. "Perhaps you have a few small jobs here and there I could help with."
"Yes," said John, "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbour. In fact, that's my brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee. Now there is a creek between us.
"Well, he might have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me an eight-foot fence so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think i understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll do a job that pleases you."
John had to go to town, so he helped the man get the materials ready and then he was off. The carpenter worked hard all day, measuring, sawing and nailing.
Around sunset, when John returned, the carpenter had just finished. But the farmer's eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped as he looked across his land. There was no fence at all!
Instead, there was a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other. A fine piece of work, handrails and all. What's more, his younger brother was coming towards them, with hands out-stretched. He said: "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all that I had said and done."
The brothers stood at each end of the bridge. Then they met in the middle and took each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox onto his shoulder.
"No, wait!" John called. "Stay a few days. I've lots of other projects for you."
"I'd love to stay," the carpenter said, "but I have many more bridges to build".
Sent to Starmag by Pola Singh
It all started with a small misunderstanding which it grew into a major difference, which finally exploded into a bitter exchange of words. This was followed by weeks of silence.
One morning, there was a knock on the door of John, the older sibling. He opened it to find a man standing there with a carpenter's tool box.
"I'm looking for a few days' work" the man said. "Perhaps you have a few small jobs here and there I could help with."
"Yes," said John, "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbour. In fact, that's my brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee. Now there is a creek between us.
"Well, he might have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me an eight-foot fence so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think i understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll do a job that pleases you."
John had to go to town, so he helped the man get the materials ready and then he was off. The carpenter worked hard all day, measuring, sawing and nailing.
Around sunset, when John returned, the carpenter had just finished. But the farmer's eyes opened wide and his jaw dropped as he looked across his land. There was no fence at all!
Instead, there was a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other. A fine piece of work, handrails and all. What's more, his younger brother was coming towards them, with hands out-stretched. He said: "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all that I had said and done."
The brothers stood at each end of the bridge. Then they met in the middle and took each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox onto his shoulder.
"No, wait!" John called. "Stay a few days. I've lots of other projects for you."
"I'd love to stay," the carpenter said, "but I have many more bridges to build".
Sent to Starmag by Pola Singh
The Power of Today
The young man stood on the edge of a tall building early one morning. Just as he was about to leap off, he heard a voice ask: "Are you looking at yesterday or today?"
Startled, he turned around and saw an old man standing near the staircase. The stranger repeated his question.
The young man, who could not answer, became furious. Then he started shouting:
"What do you know about me? I'm desperate ... I've lost everything. There's no way I can get my life back. My family left because they cannot forgive me for the mistakes I've made."
The old man said: "Don't you see - everything you've said happened yesterday, or earlier. You can't undo what has been done.
"But look! Another day is dawning. The power of today is strong enough to make a change for a better tomorrow. Learn to live again."
The old man stepped forward and patted his back. The young man felt a sudden surge of strength, even as his tears flowed. Together, they headed for the stairs.
Sent to Starmag by Gabrielle Yeoh
Startled, he turned around and saw an old man standing near the staircase. The stranger repeated his question.
The young man, who could not answer, became furious. Then he started shouting:
"What do you know about me? I'm desperate ... I've lost everything. There's no way I can get my life back. My family left because they cannot forgive me for the mistakes I've made."
The old man said: "Don't you see - everything you've said happened yesterday, or earlier. You can't undo what has been done.
"But look! Another day is dawning. The power of today is strong enough to make a change for a better tomorrow. Learn to live again."
The old man stepped forward and patted his back. The young man felt a sudden surge of strength, even as his tears flowed. Together, they headed for the stairs.
Sent to Starmag by Gabrielle Yeoh
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