Thought of the Day

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

From Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #267

In a nutshell...

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.

Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

First seen in Starmag or my email, not too sure. now in someone's blog post

http://art-harun.blogspot.com/2010/11/in-nutshell.html?spref=fb

Call Centre true conversations

Travel CentreCustomer: I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door to the Travel Centre.
Operator: Sir, they are our opening hours.

Samsung ElectronicsCaller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about. 

Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?
Operator: I think you mean the telephone point on the wall.

RAC Motoring ServicesCaller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

AA Motoring ServicesCaller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?

Directory Enquiries

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please. 

Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland.

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on. 

Will and Guy's Joke of the Day #173

from my email today

Police Jokes

True Funny Police Story

A bank robber in Virginia Beach Virginia, USA got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his trousers.

The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.

A police spokesman informed us, 'He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants.'

Police have the man's charred trousers safely in custody.

==============================================================
Ten Bungling Burglar Stories

1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'

2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him to the him and called the police.

4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a "Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn't invent these funny occurrences.

10.A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!

HE   : Can I buy you a drink?

SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money..

HE   : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.

SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE   : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?

SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE   : How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE : I must've been given your share..

HE   : Will you go out with me this Saturday?

SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE   : Your face must turn a few heads.

SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE   : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.

SHE : Okay, get out.

HE   : I think I could make you very happy.

SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE   : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE   : Can I have your name?

SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE   : Shall we go see a movie?

SHE : I've already seen it.

HE   : Where have you been all my life?

SHE : Hiding from you.

HE   : Haven't I seen you some place before?

SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE   : Is this seat empty?

SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE   : So, what do you do for a living?

SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE   : Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE : Do not enter.

HE   : Your body is like a temple.

SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE   : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

from my email today

Law and Disorder (Part 2)

Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer's transcripts of real court cases.

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Fowler
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Fowler). Derek, for goodness sake, tell them your first name.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name?
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Donald Rowbotham's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Will & Guy's Joke of the Day #157

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Faithful Young Flock

Kids think out of the box; adults, particularly city slickers, think off tangent. These articles, which are circulating round the Internet, show a lighter perspective of things.


Three-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen."

*****

A little boy was over heard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

*****

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. Thrice, his father asked him what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied: "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

*****

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from e-mail."

*****

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

*****

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service: "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied: "Because people are sleeping."

*****

Six-year-old Angie and her brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel, aged four, giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?"

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

*****

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

*****

A man was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the boy asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the father replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

*****

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the daughter replied.

"Just say what you hear Mummy say."

The girl bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Sent to Starmag by S.P. Chin

From the Mouth of a Babe

A primary schoolteacher asked her students to write an essay about what they would like God to do for them. At the end of the day, while marking the essays, one made her very emotional.

Her husband, who had just walked in, saw her crying and asked, "What happened?"

"Read this. It's by one of my students."

"Oh God, tonight I ask you for something very special: Turn me into a television set. I want to take its place. Have my own special place in the house. And have my family around ME.


"I want to be taken seriously when I talk, to be the centre of attention and be heard without interruptions or questions. I want to receive the same special care that the TV gets when it is not working. Have the company of my dad when he comes home from work, even when he is tired.


"And I want my mum to want me when she is sad and upset, instead of ignoring me. I want my brothers to fight to be with me... I want to feel that the family will leave everything aside, every now and then, just to spend some time with me.


"And last, but not least, make it that I can make them all happy and entertain them. God, I don't ask you for much... I just want to live like every TV."


At that, the man cried: "Poor kid. What horrible parents!"

The teacher looked up and said, "That essay is our son's!"

From Starmag, 30th May 2010

Heaven and Hell

A highly-successful human resource manager had passed away and her soul arrived up in heaven, where she was met at the pearly gates by St Peter himself.

"Welcome," said St Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a HR manager make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No worries, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven. Then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven," the woman said.

"Sorry, we have rules ..." And with that, St Peter put the executive in a lift and it went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and she stepped out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and in front of her were all the executive friends whom she had worked with. They were dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

Her friends ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. Then, all of them played an excellent round of golf and at night, they headed for the country club, where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner.

The executive met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got into the lift.

The lift went straight up to the pearly gates, where she found St Peter waiting.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up. St Peter came for her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and replied: "Well, I never thought I would say this. I mean, heaven has been really great, but I had a better time in hell."

So St Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went down and back to  hell. When the doors opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered with garbage and filth. She saw that her friends were dressed in rags; they were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," the woman stammered, "Yesterday when I was here, there was golf course and a country club, and we ate lobster and danced, and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff ..."

5 Minutes Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,
when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment,
the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob,
after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:?
If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...?
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church,
the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job,
you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk,
and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.
'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep.
'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says,
'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung,
and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung,
he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer,
who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

A Hat-Seller Tale (with a new twist)

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they hat taken all his hats.

The hat seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys, were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat; the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to his mind.

He took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So He finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree.

He remembered his grandfather's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said: "You think only you have a grandfather!!!???"

FIRST GRADE

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had 25 students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses............until they stop running.
2. Strike while the................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...............Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never Underestimate the power of ......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ..... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ....................looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ........ math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ................................. me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ............pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.... ................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ..........................not much.
17. Two's company, three's ................. the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ...you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ........... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ....Spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ............ get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ......... get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one! (and this from a first grader?)

25. Better late than.................................. pregnant.

Why I love this Doctor (Humor)‏

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you
Get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Motivation??

The Meaning of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Inggris

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT IN ENGLISH...

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say
methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
 

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example ... If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

By radinfbr

This Is Good

An old story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake. As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!" "What do you mean,'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?" "If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."



Laurence F. Orbach

Programmed to Stay 2

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0.  What I have noticed is a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications, which had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.  In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Sport 7.3, NFL 3.2 and Tennis 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Your faithfully
Desperate Susan

---------------------------------------------
Reply from Tech Support

Dear Desperate Susan,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2.  Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5.  But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance.  I personally recommend Home Cooking 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5.  Finally consider applications such as Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck
Tech Support

Work Smart

An old man who lived in Idaho wanted to hoe his garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison. He wrote a letter to the boy and described his predicament.

Dear son,
I'm feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I am just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you will dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don;t dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Son.

The next morning, at four, FBI agents and the local police showed up at the old man's house and dug up the entire garden. They found nothing, apologised, and left.

That same day, he received another letter form his son.

Dear Dad.
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That the best I could do, under the circumstances.
Love, Son.

Sent to Starmag by Wong Miaw Lee